This morning, I was talking to my father. Well, more like talking at him. It wasn’t much of a conversation, as he wasn’t participating. This was due to the fact that I decided to talk about everything and nothing while he was watching a Chicago crime drama on television. When his turning up of the volume didn’t stop me from continuing, he hit pause (ah, the wonders of modern television… and unrelenting daughters). I was smack dab in the middle of a sentence when he hit the pause button and, as the television volume disappeared, the end of my sentence stood out starkly in the silence: “…it’s my life, too… You know?” The rest of the story was irrelevant. My dad looked at me in the way he does when I know I should listen up… something wise was about to be imparted to me. He said, “Yes, I know it is. Do you?” This didn’t fit into the context of my story at all… he clearly hadn’t been listening. But maybe he listened exactly when it really mattered. My thoughts began to blur as I became overwhelmed by the magnitude of what he was asking me. Did I treat my life as my own? Or did I treat it as the property of others?
My dad began to talk about all of the stresses and pressures on young women today (how does he know this stuff?). He harped on the fact that while we are independent and strong, we cannot ignore the presence of our maternal instinct. I didn’t like the term “maternal,” so he explained it as being a care-taker. I couldn’t deny this… I tend to try and take care of the people that I care about… as I’m sure you do, as well. This is generally a positive quality, but the potential pitfall of the care-taker instinct is that it can absorb you to such a point that you become lost in it. My father cautioned me about spending too much time trying to help others because, at a certain point, he said it could become detrimental to myself.
I looked at my father, puzzled. He continued, “You know the feeling. It’s as if you are weighed down by the sheer force of the other person’s gravity… so much so that they remind you more of a black hole than a human being.” I understood what he was saying. And I thought about it… Why don’t we leave when things get to this point? It’s simple: because we care. So we stay.
I asked my dad what someone should do in this situation. Isn’t it selfish to leave? Shouldn’t you try and help the other person? If they are at a hard place in their life, don’t they need you? If you care about them, isn’t it the right thing to do… to stay?
My dad’s answer wasn’t cut and dry. However, I broke down his response into five tips to keep in mind when dealing with every relationship in your life… whether you be a sister, daughter, girlfriend, mother, wife, or friend to that person. Here are the elements of my daddy’s wisdom that I wanted to share with you.
1. You can’t take care of someone else, unless you take care of yourself first. When you get on an airplane, if you are a parent, they tell you that if the emergency masks drop from the overhead compartment you are to put your mask on first… before you put the mask on your child. This is something that parents need to be told because it is a parental instinct to take care of the child first. However, a parent becomes useless to the child if the parent has no source of oxygen. The same goes for us in relation to the people we are trying to care for. As my dad put it, “In life, put your oxygen mask on first.” Do what you need to do to take care of you. Only then will you be a benefit to others.
2. Someone who cares about you will take the time to understand when you have taken on too much. You are fabulous. You live a life that is fabulous and ridiculously busy. You have a social calendar that is full, a career that doesn’t quit, you stay in shape, eat right, are always dressed to the nines, volunteer when you can, and are always, no matter what, there for the people that you love. Get real. Yes, you are fabulous. And, yes, you can do all of these things (some weeks you are a total Superwoman), but you can’t sustain this level of perfection all the time. Learn to hit the pause button. The people that truly care about you will understand this. They will give you time, space, and may even offer to help out if they can. These people are the Keepers. Cherish them. They are v.a.l.u.a.b.l.e. They love you. However, some people will not react this way. Some people will still want your time and energy or won’t care (or seem to care) one bit about how you are feeling. These people are selfish (see number 3).
3. Selfishness is forgivable… but only to a point. It is human nature to occasionally suffer from bouts of selfishness. Notice the use of the words occasionally and suffer. This is because a good person should strive to avoid being selfish on a frequent basis and should recognize that it is a condition that they are suffering from. It is not a healthy state to be in… selfishness is the equivalent of a self-obsessed egocentric psychological rut when it becomes prolonged. The idea that the world revolves around you all the time is a sad way to live (and I assume you will end up very lonely). If someone is consistently (always) selfish, save yourself some time and skip ahead to number 5.
4. Look at the balance in the relationship… if it’s one-sided, make a serious adjustment. Look at the other person’s use of the words “I” and “me” in your conversations. Does the other person use these words more frequently than the word “you”? Also, trust your instincts. Women too frequently second-guess their emotions. Don’t. If it feels like you are always giving and the other person is always taking, guess what? You’re right. If it’s one-sided sometimes, that’s natural. Stop and think: is the focus always on you? You are selfish (look again to number 3… and, do yourself a favor: change). Is the focus always on the other person? You can either pull back and let the other person re-stabilize the relationship (they may recognize the imbalance, as well), you can clearly communicate that you need adjustments made, or (and, let’s face it, some people will always be self-centered) you can do yourself a favor and get out of the situation (see number 5).
5. Learn when to walk away. We women are a tough breed. We have been raised to never quit and to never give up. These are both wonderful tenets to believe in, unless you are refusing to give up on a situation or relationship that is consistently bringing you down. My father wanted to send a little reminder to all of you beautiful women out there getting walked on, feeling overwhelmed, taking on too much, being underappreciated, being used, or who are just plain tired and need (deserve) a good old-fashioned spa day… Put your foot down (stiletto and all), get your chin up, and focus on you. And make sure that you can walk in those shoes… because you need to walk away from this person. Quickly.
Though it’s March, by the end of the talk with my father (in which he spoke and I attentively listened with a Chicago detective frozen on the television screen in the background) I had another New Year’s resolution for myself (… it’s never too late to be resolute!)… I would learn to put myself first. And I would have to understand that there was nothing selfish about that. I hope that you can do the same.
