Blonder Ambitions

Category: Advice

  • ADVICE FROM DAD – “THE THRILL OF THE CHASE”

    ADVICE FROM DAD – “THE THRILL OF THE CHASE”

    Best. Dad. Ever.

    I am typically not a proponent for rules… especially when they come from my father.  Throughout the years, he has given me “advice” (his word… I always felt like they were more like “rules”) about how to deal with the opposing (ahem… I mean opposite) sex.  I have made my fair share of mistakes while breaking these fatherly tips… and, much to my chagrin, I found that most of what my father taught me was absolutely correct.  Here is a bit of his wisdom  (condensed for your use) that I have gathered from age 4 until now.

    1. Do not be readily available. An available woman is a desperate woman.  Think of it this way… if he asks you if you are available later that evening and you say, “Yes!” you either a) had no plans (boooooring) or b) had plans and broke them to hang out with him (bad move, woman).  Either way, you come off as lonely/uninteresting or desperate (by immediately making him a priority), respectively.  Now, I’m not saying the three-day rule (asking you out three days in advance) needs to be instated.  That is likely highly impractical in our time of instant gratification and the text message.  However, he should have the respect to ask you for your time a minimum of 24 hours in advance.  If he doesn’t, he either thought of you last minute (clearly you are not a priority to him) or he doesn’t respect your time and schedule enough to plan (just slightly) ahead.  So, be busy.  Book your week solid if you feel like it.  If he asks you out, he’ll realize you’re worth the wait.

    2. Do not pursue him. This notion may seem out-dated, but it’s not.  It’s actually spot-on.  One of my favorite quotes is from The Second Neurotic’s Notebook and was penned by Mignon McLaughlin: “Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt.  Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it.”  It’s true.  A successful woman… one with a career, wonderful friends, a killer sense of humor, ridiculous intelligence, varied interests, and style to-die-for (much like you, kitten)… likely feels that she should also get to control the success and outcome of her romantic relationships.  Not so.  The interesting part about romance (and, trust me, my inner feminist is punching me) is that the man must, when it comes to the game of love, take the lead.  The second you attempt to chase him, you become unattractive.  The explanation of this has yet to be found; it’s just something that is a fact.  So, take a deep breath, quiet your controlling nature, and be patient.  Maybe he isn’t too lazy to hunt… you just hadn’t given him the chance.

    3. Set boundaries. Men, though wonderfully fascinating and oftentimes stupor inducing creatures, have the ability to behave much like a toddler.  Just as a child will continue sneaking an extra cookie after dinner if nothing is done about it, men sneak the extra cookie in life.  Now, you should certainly not be controlling.  That is not only unattractive… it’s just wrong.  People are individuals and should not be controlled… however, guidelines or boundaries as to the kind of treatment that you will or will not accept is necessary.  It shows that you respect yourself.  And, my love, I hope that you do respect yourself.  The behavior of the male might not be malicious, it likely isn’t, but it may bother you.  Let’s say that he cancels on you at the last minute.  In his mind, he’s thinking, “We’ll just reschedule.  No big deal.”  In your mind, you may be thinking, “Does he have any idea that I spent the whole day thinking about this?  I got an extra workout in, got a manicure, bought a new dress and some new lipgloss, and shaved my legs for nothing!”  And then you respond, aloud (or via text) “Sure. No problem. See you soon!”  No. Absolutely not.  You also shouldn’t respond with all of your internal frustration.  Just put your little foot down.  State that you understand that life can get in the way, but that you don’t appreciate being cancelled on and you hope that it doesn’t happen again.  If it happens again, you have your answer.  If you’re worth it to him, it won’t happen… and you also have your answer.

    4. Spend ample time apart. Though it is easy and, surely, tempting to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment together when you are in the first throes of an interlude with a man do. not. do. it.  Seriously.  The fastest way to kill a flame is by smothering it.  Give your flame a little room to breathe.  By having your own life, separate and apart from him, you will never run out of things to talk about.  You will never become stale or predictable.  You will also remain just as fabulous as you were before you met him (read Why Falling In Love is a Stupid Thing to Do as a warning).  You will become sick of one another if you fall into a routine/rut too quickly.  Try to spend at least twice the amount of time apart as you do together (if not more).  Do this for quite some time.  It’s part of the thrill of the chase.  It goes back to the idea of letting him hunt.  You don’t like being prey? Don’t think of it that way.  Think of it as being a catch.

    5. Be mysterious. Have you ever been talking to a man about your day and watched his eyes glaze over?  Odds are high that you were sharing far too many details (what you ate, the dilemma you were in over choosing the leopard top over the silk button-down, what your friends said, etc.).  It is not that what you are saying is unimportant to him.  My father always explained to me that men are “point people” (a nice way of saying that they’re always thinking, “Get to the point.”).  He does want to know about you… the important things.  Leave the trivial things out.  Talk about the little things with your girlfriends or your mother (or both).  They actually enjoy hearing about those things (or at least have learned the ability to feign interest).  Give him the big picture.  He’ll likely start wondering what else you did that day.  He’ll ask questions.  Summation: everything comes down to the hunt.  Let him find out about you.  Don’t just offer information.  If he wants to know, he’ll ask.

    6. Men hate being pressured. I don’t know what is in the biological (hay)wiring of some women, but I wish it wasn’t there.  Some women bring up children, marriage, love, commitment, plans six months in the future, or all of the above within the first few months (weeks! or days!) of getting to know someone.  Watch the aforementioned someone run for the hills.  Or at least stop calling. Or returning calls.  This pressure is entirely unnecessary.  It’s horrible (like poison) for your hopes of a potential relationship (or at least a healthy one).  More importantly, it’s horrible for you.  So much of that pressure that women put on men comes from the pressure that they put on themselves.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.  The second the ride becomes unenjoyable you can recognize it (pressure free) and disembark.  Look at relationships as experiences, not contracts.  When the experience feels good, stick with it.

    The bottom line is simple, though it may seem antiquated or barbaric: men are hunters.  Today’s men might not be the most adept, skilled, or even able hunters… but that’s likely because we don’t let them do the hunting.  Take the reins in regards to your own life… but consider allowing him to take the reins in your relationship… at least sometimes.

  • FABULOUS EVENT – LIVE LIKE A KID

    FABULOUS EVENT – LIVE LIKE A KID

    Wearing childlike clothes {number 1} after playing on the beach {number 2} enjoying my Slurpee and McD's cheeseburger {number 3}… Glamorous? No. Fabulous? Yes.

    Remember when your biggest concern was what cartoon to watch or whether you should save the marshmallows in your Lucky Charms for the last bite?  Life can still be like that. To undertake the challenge of living like a kid, you must do it on a weekend (whatever your weekend may be… my “weekend” is typically on a Wednesday, as my events business keeps me busy on the weekend) because you are NOT allowed to do anything that is work related or on a to-do list. I set about attempting to live an entire day in the most childlike way possible.  As I write this, I am smiling from ear to ear and thoroughly exhausted.  It’s a wonderful feeling.  Follow these simple guidelines and let the good times roll.

    1. Wear something comfortable, bright, and easy to play in. As a kid, if something was itchy, scratchy, or tight… you probably wouldn’t wear it.  So, why would you wear it now? Bright colors are what kids gravitate toward for a reason… bright colors make you happy.  I’m sure there’s a scientific study out there somewhere that backs me up on this.  Also, your clothes shouldn’t limit you from being able to play (see number 2).  To take my own advice, I donned a bright turquoise bikini (it was bright and sunny out… I had to be prepared!), wore a loose and flowing hot pink sundress, and a pair of flip-flops.  I didn’t match… my look was all over the place… and I had on barely any makeup.  It felt like freedom.

    2. Get outside and play. Kids crave activity and the outdoors.  Playing outdoors is the most natural thing in the world to children. Due to the comfortable clothing I was wearing and the summer-like Santa Barbara weather, my sister and I decided to head to the beach.  We laughed, talked, ran around in the sand, and spent the day pondering what we were going to do when we grew up.  After a couple hours in the sun, we were smiling and hungry.  It was snack time.

    3. Eat what tastes good. Kids are picky (or at least pretend to be picky) so they end up with a diet that consists of sugar, macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers, and pasta.  Clearly, it would be unhealthy to subsist on this kind of a diet.  However, an occasional sugar induced food coma is not the worst thing in the world. After my sister and I were were exhausted and sunbeaten from our day playing on the beach, I craved a Slurpee.  And a cheeseburger.  Normally, I would tell myself to have either just one or the other.  That is what the adult me would do.  I reminded myself that this was all about the child in me.  So, I got both.  de.light.ful. {Note: I ended up in an unproductive sugar and carb induced stupor approximately 30 minutes after I finished eating… which resulted in a nap… read on}

    4. If you are tired, take a nap. Kids nap frequently.  They have the ability to fall asleep at 2pm on a couch in front of cartoons just because they are a bit weary.  Adults do the opposite.  They attempt to maintain a productive workday and power through their sleepy afternoon slump until they end up hitting their evening exhaustion.  After my Slurpee binge, I lay my head down to rest.  Normally, I would spend this time attempting to work (while being only 15% productive due to my tired inability to focus).  Instead, I napped.  I woke up 30 minutes later refreshed and ready to play some more.

    5. Play dress up. Children love to pretend and love to dress up.  I used to love putting on my mother’s make-up and having her paint my nails.  One of the benefits of actually being an adult is having a car and money so that playing dress-up is a bit more fun than it used to be.  My sister and I decided (on a very childlike whim) to go get manicures.  Instead of my normal neutral (ahem, professional) manicure… I decided to go with bubblegum pink.  My sister said I looked like a Barbie doll.  Pretty sure the child inside of me squealed with delight.

    6. Watch a movie as a family. Family movie night is something that children love.  Snuggling on the couch.  Popcorn and candy.  Getting to stay up a bit past their normal bedtime.  I remember adoring family movie night.  So, on our way back from getting a manicure, I picked up my phone and asked my parents if they wanted to have a family movie night.  They were all about it.  We watched the movie together, all laughing in the same room.  By 9pm, I felt tired, cozy, happy, and safe.  I felt little again.  Fabulous.

    At the end of my childlike day, I am sleepy, a bit sunburned, craving even more sugar, sporting bright pink nails, and I. am. happy.  I suggest you go live your day as a kid.  You won’t regret it.

  • SEVEN LESSONS YOU LEARN BEFORE AGE SEVEN

    SEVEN LESSONS YOU LEARN BEFORE AGE SEVEN

    Childhood, if you were blessed enough to have a good one, teaches you virtually everything you need to know to be a successful (and happy) adult.  Grown-ups are just bigger versions of children at play.  My childhood was an incredibly happy one and I look back on it often and fondly.  If your childhood wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine… fear not.  Review the lessons below and live your childhood now.  It is never too late for a second (or third… or fourth) childhood.  So, sticking with this week’s theme of childhood: here are seven life lessons that you should understand by the time you are seven (or seventeen… or fifty-seven).

    1. When a boy pulls your pigtails or throws sand at you… he likes you. This may not be the healthiest life lesson, but it’s an accurate one.  The little boy who trips you or steals your lunch pail or sticks his tongue out at you is likely not a bully (if he is, look to number 5).  As your parents would tell you when you were young, “He has a crush on you.”  The key factor of this juvenile behavior is the time and attention the boy spends on you.  To pull your pigtails successfully, he must time it just right… sneak up behind you… quietly… and tug just enough to make you squeal.  He has succeeded.  He has your attention.  He put in quite a bit of effort to get it.  Males rarely differentiate between positive and negative attention (hence why crude whistling is still {mysteriously} a popular way for men to garner your attention).  If you give a man a reaction, he is happy.  He thinks you’re cute.  And he thinks you’re cuter when you wrinkle up your nose and get angry.  You’re the cutest if you squeal.  He likes you.

    2. Sharing is  important… learn to take turns. There was a particularly popular truck at my preschool.  It was made of shiny blue metal.  There was a little boy who played with the truck everyday.  He wouldn’t share.  In fact, he threw tantrums when someone else asked to play with the truck.  Soon, that little boy had no other friends… just the truck.  The other children adapted.  They picked up the seemingly less exquisite tiny cars and toy trains and sat in a circle passing the cars and trains around to each other.  They were laughing and playing and pretending.  The group of children built a beautiful imaginary world for the cars and trains to live in.  The little boy didn’t get to be a part of this world.  He just got his truck.  The world you are able to build when you don’t share or take turns is small and limited.  The world you can build by including others is expansive, surprising, and often remarkable.  The world becomes so beautiful that the shiny blue truck becomes a distant memory… and so does the selfish little boy.

    3. Bring cupcakes for the entire class on your birthday and a card for each classmate on Valentine’s Day. Some people get left out.  That’s part of life.  I have been left out before.  It’s likely that you have, as well.  Make it a point to not be an individual that leaves people out.  The reason that a lot of schools make it a requirement to bring a card for every child in the class on Valentine’s day is simple.  The teacher realizes that taking an extra five minutes to make one more cupcake or write one more card can save a child a lifetime of dealing with the memory of feeling unimportant… or, worse: forgotten.  Don’t forget any child in your class.  You don’t even have to be friends with them… or know them well, at all.  Just bring the extra cupcake.

    4. When it’s someone’s day for Show and Tell… pay attention. My elementary school’s version of the traditional Show and Tell was called Student of the Week.  The student was given a board and a shelf to fill with images, pictures, objects or anything else that represented exactly who they were. The student was to set up the board early on Monday morning.  On Friday afternoon, after a whole week of the student’s display being up in the classroom, the student was to explain what the display meant.  I remember my intense anticipation for the Monday when I would be Student of the Week.  I had picked out everything carefully with my mom the weekend before.  On Monday morning, my mom and teacher, Mrs. Sullivan, helped me while I tacked up family photos (lots of them), put my nickname on the board, put up a bunch of pink things and set my two favorite dolls on the shelf: my American Girl doll, Kirsten (who was Swedish, like me) and my other doll Karen.  Bringing my Karen doll was both the most natural and most vulnerable choice that I had made.  My board was so pretty and Karen stood in stark contrast.  She had blonde hair and wore a bright pink sweater… she also had glasses and crooked teeth, just like me.  My parents had put her in my Christmas stocking a few months before, right after I had gotten my glasses.  She reminded me that there was nothing wrong with me… but I was worried the kids wouldn’t understand.  All week long I watched the kids stare at the board… and Karen.  When Friday afternoon came, I couldn’t breathe.  Mrs. Sullivan called my name and I stood up and walked deliberately to the board.  I could either quietly and nervously explain myself (like my friend Betsey had done the week before) or I could do it my way.  So I took a deep breath, put a smile on my face, and grabbed Karen.  I think I talked about her almost the whole time.  The whole class listened and clapped.  When someone tells you something about themselves… make sure you listen.  You can even clap.

    5. The best way to deal with a bully is to ignore them. This is incredibly difficult to do.  What you truly want to do is hit them.  Yell at them.  Or tell on them.  None of this works.  Childhood bullies are usually the children who have an unhappy home life.  The same is true for adult bullies.  Just because they are unhappy doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate them.  You should stand up to them… in the most effective way possible.  The same way that little kids will taunt each other by saying, “I can’t hear you… I can’t hear you!”… you should do the same.  Not out loud, of course… that will just encourage the bully.  Think it in your head.  Are you being targeted? Walk away.  And, if all else fails and they follow you? Just laugh.  Mature? Nah. But it works.

    6. Wear exactly what you want… stripes and florals work because you like the way they look together. Never, ever dress to please someone else or to fit in (unless it’s at your job and you have a dress code… Don’t get ridiculous and lose your paycheck over this).  I used to baby sit a little girl named Alana. She was three.  She loved her closet and she refused to let anyone else picked out her clothes.  Her mom hated it… but I secretly adored her spirit.  I remember trying to put her in an outfit that her mom had picked out. She yanked the clothes out of my hand with a firm, “No!”  I wasn’t the least bit angry… I was amused.  Alana defiantly strode into her closet and, after a long struggle (I heard things crashing to the ground), she emerged.  She had tugged a striped pink shirt over her head (it was on backwards). She was wearing green and purple floral leggings.  She had pulled a fluffy skirt over the whole ensemble.  And she was wearing fairy wings.  She smiled at me and said, “See?”  Yes, I saw.  And she was beautiful.

    7. Don’t be afraid to kiss the boy you like… even if he throws sand at you (again). I think back to my first kiss.  I was four.  I had a crush on a boy named Christopher.  I even wrote a fairy tale about him (well, I told the story to my mom and she wrote it.  My love for literature is clearly nothing new).  He and I always played Ninja Turtles together.  He had floppy blonde hair and talked really fast.  I was in love.  One day, I tricked Christopher.  I told him to meet me under the slide.  And then I kissed him.  He ran away.  I thought he hated me.  I cried.  A few days later, Christopher hurt his eye and came to school wearing an eye patch.  The eye patch had an image of Cinderella on it getting out of her pumpkin stagecoach.  After gathering a little bit of four-year-old courage, I asked him why he had chosen that particular eye patch.  He said simply, “Because Cinderella is your favorite movie.” Cinderella is still one of my favorite movies.  And I’m still glad I kissed Christopher.

    Now do me a favor.  Get out of your chair.  Go outside.  And play.

  • ADVICE FROM DAD – “IT’S YOUR LIFE, TOO”

    ADVICE FROM DAD – “IT’S YOUR LIFE, TOO”

    Best. Dad. Ever.

    This morning, I was talking to my father.  Well, more like talking at him.  It wasn’t much of a conversation, as he wasn’t participating.  This was due to the fact that I decided to talk about everything and nothing while he was watching a Chicago crime drama on television.  When his turning up of the volume didn’t stop me from continuing, he hit pause (ah, the wonders of modern television… and unrelenting daughters).  I was smack dab in the middle of a sentence when he hit the pause button and, as the television volume disappeared, the end of my sentence stood out starkly in the silence: “…it’s my life, too… You know?”  The rest of the story was irrelevant.  My dad looked at me in the way he does when I know I should listen up… something wise was about to be imparted to me.  He said, “Yes, I know it is.  Do you?”  This didn’t fit into the context of my story at all… he clearly hadn’t been listening.  But maybe he listened exactly when it really mattered.  My thoughts began to blur as I became overwhelmed by the magnitude of what he was asking me.  Did I treat my life as my own? Or did I treat it as the property of others?

    My dad began to talk about all of the stresses and pressures on young women today (how does he know this stuff?).  He harped on the fact that while we are independent and strong, we cannot ignore the presence of our maternal instinct.  I didn’t like the term “maternal,” so he explained it as being a care-taker.  I couldn’t deny this… I tend to try and take care of the people that I care about… as I’m sure you do, as well.  This is generally a positive quality, but the potential pitfall of the care-taker instinct is that it can absorb you to such a point that you become lost in it.  My father cautioned me about spending too much time trying to help others because, at a certain point, he said it could become detrimental to myself.

    I looked at my father, puzzled.  He continued, “You know the feeling.  It’s as if you are weighed down by the sheer force of the other person’s gravity… so much so that they remind you more of a black hole than a human being.”  I understood what he was saying.  And I thought about it… Why don’t we leave when things get to this point? It’s simple: because we care.  So we stay.

    I asked my dad what someone should do in this situation.  Isn’t it selfish to leave?  Shouldn’t you try and help the other person?  If they are at a hard place in their life, don’t they need you?  If you care about them, isn’t it the right thing to do… to stay?

    My dad’s answer wasn’t cut and dry. However, I broke down his response into five tips to keep in mind when dealing with every relationship in your life… whether you be a sister, daughter, girlfriend, mother, wife, or friend to that person.  Here are the elements of my daddy’s wisdom that I wanted to share with you.

    1. You can’t take care of someone else, unless you take care of yourself first. When you get on an airplane, if you are a parent, they tell you that if the emergency masks drop from the overhead compartment you are to put your mask on first… before you put the mask on your child.  This is something that parents need to be told because it is a parental instinct to take care of the child first.  However, a parent becomes useless to the child if the parent has no source of oxygen.  The same goes for us in relation to the people we are trying to care for.  As my dad put it, “In life, put your oxygen mask on first.”  Do what you need to do to take care of you.  Only then will you be a benefit to others.

    2. Someone who cares about you will take the time to understand when you have taken on too much. You are fabulous.  You live a life that is fabulous and ridiculously busy.  You have a social calendar that is full, a career that doesn’t quit, you stay in shape, eat right, are always dressed to the nines, volunteer when you can, and are always, no matter what, there for the people that you love.  Get real.  Yes, you are fabulous. And, yes, you can do all of these things (some weeks you are a total Superwoman), but you can’t sustain this level of perfection all the time.  Learn to hit the pause button.  The people that truly care about you will understand this. They will give you time, space, and may even offer to help out if they can.  These people are the Keepers.  Cherish them.  They are v.a.l.u.a.b.l.e.  They love you.  However, some people will not react this way.  Some people will still want your time and energy or won’t care (or seem to care) one bit about how you are feeling.  These people are selfish (see number 3).

    3. Selfishness is forgivable… but only to a point. It is human nature to occasionally suffer from bouts of selfishness.  Notice the use of the words occasionally and suffer.  This is because a good person should strive to avoid being selfish on a frequent basis and should recognize that it is a condition that they are suffering from.  It is not a healthy state to be in… selfishness is the equivalent of a self-obsessed egocentric psychological rut when it becomes prolonged.  The idea that the world revolves around you all the time is a sad way to live (and I assume you will end up very lonely).  If someone is consistently (always) selfish, save yourself some time and skip ahead to number 5.

    4. Look at the balance in the relationship… if it’s one-sided, make a serious adjustment. Look at the other person’s use of the words “I” and “me” in your conversations.  Does the other person use these words more frequently than the word “you”? Also, trust your instincts.  Women too frequently second-guess their emotions.  Don’t.  If it feels like you are always giving and the other person is always taking, guess what? You’re right. If it’s one-sided sometimes, that’s natural.  Stop and think: is the focus always on you? You are selfish (look again to number 3… and, do yourself a favor: change).  Is the focus always on the other person? You can either pull back and let the other person re-stabilize the relationship (they may recognize the imbalance, as well), you can clearly communicate that you need adjustments made, or (and, let’s face it, some people will always be self-centered) you can do yourself a favor and get out of the situation (see number 5).

    5. Learn when to walk away. We women are a tough breed.  We have been raised to never quit and to never give up.  These are both wonderful tenets to believe in, unless you are refusing to give up on a situation or relationship that is consistently bringing you down.  My father wanted to send a little reminder to all of you beautiful women out there getting walked on, feeling overwhelmed, taking on too much, being underappreciated, being used, or who are just plain tired and need (deserve) a good old-fashioned spa day… Put your foot down (stiletto and all), get your chin up, and focus on you.  And make sure that you can walk in those shoes… because you need to walk away from this person. Quickly.

    Though it’s March, by the end of the talk with my father (in which he spoke and I attentively listened with a Chicago detective frozen on the television screen in the background) I had another New Year’s resolution for myself (… it’s never too late to be resolute!)… I would learn to put myself first.  And I would have to understand that there was nothing selfish about that.  I hope that you can do the same.

  • A LOVE LETTER – TO MY SISTER

    A LOVE LETTER – TO MY SISTER


    {Not only is my sister an incredible person. She is g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s.}

    Ever wished you had received an old-fashioned love letter? Maybe you’re a total head-in-the-clouds romantic… but, get real. We live in the age of the text message and the emoticon (Today’s love letter goes a little something like this: “You look hott babe ;)”)… Maybe you’ve been fortunate enough to receive one (he must have had an incredible… and likely uber-controlling… mother).  Why don’t you take some control and write one.  No no no… not to him.  To her.  If we’ve been living correctly, we all have a “her” (or many!) in our lives.  She could be your mother (you can tell her anything/everything and she loves you unconditionally).  Your sister (my love letter {well, love list} to her is below… keep reading!).  Your best friend(s). A co-worker. A professor/mentor/boss.  Whomever.  If she has inspired you, been there for you, made you laugh, etc…. take the time to write her a love letter.  Chances are… she’s always wanted one, too (we’re all a bit ditzy when it comes to love). So… make it happen. She deserves it.


    {My little sis dressed as a bride, left, and me (I’ve always had a thing for tiaras)… We have a wonderful love story}

    To My Little Sister,

    I wanted to let you know how very much you are loved.  I’m not saying this for any particular reason, other than I think you should know how incredibly wonderful you are and that someone in your life (namely, me… your big sister and best friend for the past twenty-four years) feels overwhelmingly grateful for you.  The top seven reasons that you are WONDERFUL are as follows:

    1. You are the ultimate Happy Hour date.  You always have fun and interesting things to say.  You never turn down a $5 blood orange margarita.  You eat the chips with me (as opposed to other, less cool, carb-obsessed women).  You are a fantastic listener when a few too many of the aforementioned margaritas enter my system and cause me to go on a miniature tequila induced verbal tirade.  You say wise things and silly things.  I like when you say wise silly things.  Overall, you’re the perfect date: You come prepared with funny stories, random facts, and unusual jokes (see number 3 below). You pretty much always offer to pay the bill (silly girl. you know that’s not going to happen on my watch!).  You also always look incredible and dress perfectly for the location/occasion (see number 2).

    2. You are major Arm Candy. You are a total knockout. Just as a man feels proud to have a looker in his company, so do I (how cool am I? Yes, I get to hang out with a total beauty each and every day).  You have legs for days, hair Rapunzel would envy, and a (totally genuine) mega-watt smile.  The best part about you is that you turn heads and never even notice (but I do. And I’m protective. You know this. Warning to the men: if you look at my little sister for too long, I am not responsible for my reaction).  You are the kind of beautiful that is rarely attainable because you have a beauty that is all wrapped up in sweet, innocent, wonderful humility.

    3. You are funnier than Penn & Teller.  Wait, which one is the one that doesn’t speak in the act? You’re funnier than that one. I’m kidding, love muffin, you know that.  The funniest part about you is that you think you are totally un-funny.  You pause before the punch line in a joke, worried that you’ll mess it up.  That’s. the. best. part.  It is your delivery (so very unique to you) that makes you unbelievably funny.  You can make me laugh like crazy at any given moment. And your facial expressions when you’re trying to be funny?  Don’t even get me started.  They. kill. me.

    4. You are an Unapologetic Romantic.  Thank you for putting up with my cynical (i.e. realistic) view on love.  But, above all else, thank you for keeping my mind (and the minds of those around you) just a little bit wrapped up in the Disney Princess mentality.  In this day and age, where it’s totally “uncool” to be super in love with love… you just are.  You are open to love and all the possibilities that it has to offer.  You believe in Prince Charming. And violins. And slow dancing. And Cupid. Thank you for really truly believing in these things.  What a gift you are to the rest of us. Your attitude has an effect that is the equivalent of handing a young woman a tiny thread tied to a little love balloon floating high up in the sky.

    5. You have a memory like the Sphinx. (I know there is no indication that the Sphinx has a great memory… he’s essentially a huge lump of sand. But odds are high that if there were a myth written about him… his sharp and unwielding memory would be mentioned.) I so admire your ability to memorize everything. Remember when (duh, of course you do) you thought you couldn’t do well in your Astronomy course because you had to remember so many different (and, well, incredibly trivial) things? And then you got an A+. Not just an A. The professor took the time to put a + on there.  You memorized everything perfectly. That leads me to a sub-point of why I love you: you can do anything. And always do. And always start off thinking that you can’t. I remember when you went to college and you were super nervous. You thought you wouldn’t do well.  Fast forward to your graduation: You are magna cum laude at your university (and yet you still tell people you aren’t smart. Guess what? You’re right. You’re not smart. You’re a genius.)… So, maybe number 5 should have been titled: You are a Genius like the Sphinx (I’m sure his high level of intelligence would have also been mentioned in the hypothetical myth written about him).

    6. It’s easy to hold hands with you. Super easy. I think about that day in preschool when the teachers separated us across an imaginary line that they drew down the center of the playground (I was 4. You were 2. It is my first clear childhood memory).  They moved us to either side of the line and pried our tiny little hands apart (I still see it happening. In slow motion. Maybe you do, too. Being dramatic runs in our family.).  They told us that it wasn’t healthy for us to spend so much time together (we’re sisters you ridiculous preschool teachers!) and that we needed to play with the other children on our newly assigned sides of the playground.  I remember looking across the imaginary line at your tiny little crying face and I decided that it was the first time I would actively disobey an adult.  I grabbed your hand and we ran (terrified) across the playground into the tiny playhouse that the grown-ups couldn’t get into. They were so mad. But it didn’t matter. You were smiling. And we were holding hands. I love that your hand is always there for me to hold. Mine is always just a reach away if you need it.

    7. You love your out-of-control and completely untrained Golden Retriever. You never trained him. You said you tried, but everyone who truly knows you also knows that you didn’t try. And we know why. You didn’t want to affect his true nature. You loved him for exactly who he was born to be and you wanted him to be happy.  Even though he bites people (your explanation: that’s how he tells you that he loves you!). You are the most empathetic person that I know. You cry at other people’s stories when they went through something sad, heartbreaking, or scary. You laugh and smile when someone else has had a success. You have the most beautiful heart.

    So. I love you. For many reasons. I thought I’d get you started with seven of them. I admire you and aspire to possess so many of your incredible qualities. You are a beautiful, wonderful, incredible woman and I am blessed to call you my sister. And my best friend.

     

     

  • PMS – PISSY MAN SYNDROME

    PMS – PISSY MAN SYNDROME


    Alright… enough is enough.  Let me start by saying that I am not a man-hater. Not in the slightest. In fact, I love. adore. admire. and maybe even cherish men.  However, it is time to address the fact that they often use the term “PMS” or “PMS-ing” as an attack/explanation/joke towards women.  Men typically don’t even use it correctly, as they refer to it (any time of the month) when a woman is being “moody” or “emotional” (maybe she’s just being honest or speaking her mind).  I’m a fan of gender-neutral terms… so let’s make PMS something a little more bilateral.  PMS for women… fine.  PMS (Pissy Man Syndrome) for men… now the playing field is even.

    Now, let’s review the new rules.  Men, too, have a cycle.  They are moody, emotional, wonderfully human creatures, as well. If they claim otherwise, they are either lying or in denial.  If you claim otherwise… you likely haven’t had many long-term interactions with men.  Let’s move on to the man’s 28 day* mood cycle.

    *The days listed are rough estimates… give or take a few. Men are unpredictable.

    Days 1-7: Stable… Like Tom Hanks

    Your man is your rock.  He is available, stable, prompt in responding to or initiating contact with you and he makes plans.  A good indicator of knowing he is the Stable part of his mood cycle is taking a look at his living conditions… squeaky clean? Yep. He’s there.  He listens.  He is calm and kind.  He is a nice shoulder to cry on if necessary.  He is not necessarily sexy during this time period (unless you are into completely stable men… if so, you are far more mature than the rest of our species and must share your secrets), but he is easy to love and he feels safe. It can be a good time to talk about something that has been on your mind as he will likely be highly receptive.  It’s a wonderful time to schedule a family dinner (as they often can’t be avoided and a stable man makes a fabulous impression on parents).  It’s a good time to invite him to spend (a brief amount of) time with your girlfriends (he’ll appear to be the ideal man… he listens! He understands! He’s attentive!).  If you are one of those women who needs her man to go shopping with her to feel appreciated (and, please, I hope you change your ways… no more turning your boyfriends into your best girlfriends… tsk tsk), this is one of the best times to ask him as his patience levels are high.  This is the best time to increase your mental/emotional closeness.  Talk.  Get to know him even better.  And listen.  This is when he’ll open up.

    Days 8-14: Affectionate… Like Fabio

    Your man is all about you.  You feel like an irresistible goddess (well, you feel that way all the time… this is just when he reminds you of that).  He is touchy and affectionate.  He says just the right things.  He is constantly sexy and he is genuinely sweet.  This is when your head spins and he has the ability to make you a bit swoony (sidenote: we should all make it a point to swoon more frequently… it’s a lost art and it feels topsy-turvy heart-fluttery uh-ma-zing… master the swoon.  Your man can’t make you swoon, you say? Move on to the next eligible suitor immediately).  This is when a kiss makes you cross-eyed and you just fit. Cheesy? Totally. Awesome? Uh, yeah.  This is one of the best (okay… the best) time in the man’s PMS cycle.  This is when your physical bond is the strongest and you feel a bit like a twitterpated teenager.  Bask in this out of control lust.  This is the stuff that Monster Ballads are made of and you, my dear, are living proof.  So put on some Whitesnake and get all gussied up to spend a night (or weekend) in with your man.

    (more…)